I took a cat nap in my car
in the Target parking lot.
When I woke up, I went inside and mistook everyone I saw for a celebrity. They weren’t.
I spent under 100 dollars, which is almost impossible; today, mouthwash only cost me 50 bucks. What a steal.
Hey, Guys…?
Do you think there are any single males out there that are not completely self-absorbed? I mean- I am not really looking for any sort of dude currently. But I am confused by the fact that every dude who finds me, or my friends are totally obsessed with themselves- how do they even know to look for girls? A girl is a person who is not them- how did they figure out for a second that someone aside from them exists? I guess they are seeking a very personal fan club? Thank god I have so much work that I just have to stay in my office or house all the time where I do not have to get interacted upon by these fools I keep hearing about. Or have already dated.
Hey, Everyone!
BUCK THE FUCK UP!
Jesus would not have invented s’mores if he wanted you to be sad.
I have received a pix message that confirms Secret-Dog-Boyfriend is leaving :( We only got to hang out once. But he did get a pretty thorough arm-licking in while I was driving, and snook several sloppy cheek kisses. I feel like his owner should let me babysit sometime when he has to go off on a job instead of these other fools who are not me. Sure, he doesn’t live in LA, but I don’t really see that as a huge problem!
A Haiku- For the Weatherman
Good job weathermen
Brought this rain coat for nothing
Hope you are happy
I think I almost crashed my car when I saw this billboard. First because I was confused. And then because I wasn’t.
I did not take this photo.
All this time to kill
Imagine a job- stuck in a desk all day long. With an uncomfortable chair and ill-fitting desk-to-chair ratio. Having to stare at a computer all day long. All day- sometimes all night. Imagine the person with this job has crippling, persisting and constant migraines. Can you see it? Now imagine the person is me.
THAT DUDE IS BORING
Too many boring people around that you have to involuntarily interact with to be doing it on purpose.
Sometimes I’m like…
what’s the point? You know?
And then I’m like… I probably just could have used more sleep. 2am-4am and 6am-8am was not sufficient.
Oh good- when I went to tag this with #insomnia, it was a pre-existing tag. Really great.
EFFING TURF TOE
Penny, hi! How’s the turf toe?
Day-to-day….
Polydactyl Cats
Caleb: i also learned yesterday
that polydactyl cats
often develop opposable "pinkies"
allowing for increased dexterity and the ability to perform more complex tasks with their paws
me: oh really
so
like what
what will they do
Caleb: i dont know
i read about it
it didnt specify
me: like... do my online bill pay? mop the floor? fold my laundry?
if so
i would like one
Caleb: more like
opens beer bottles
me: i don't think we have enough slaves
animals that will do stuff for us for free
who like- enjoy it
and you feed them and pet them and they are stoked and they do my laundry
maybe i just need a girlfriend
MY NEW GODDAMN MATTRESS CAME
You may all rejoice now.
Or rather, you should. Now. There might not be a later.
Because it might be terrible & the effort that will be involved in getting it up into my room and removing the old one is probably going to make me just want to burn the house down with me inside of it.
Have a great weekend!
gchat with Mom
First some great advice:
And then flattery:
Pamela really gets Momming.
Reliable Textual Partner
Important Realizations
Susan: if we were in wedding crashers
i think i would be owen wilson
and you'd be vince vaughn
me: hahha
